I woke up today and realized that my last post here was almost four months ago. I stopped blogging because my experiences in this new city were so raw and painful that I decided not to share. Its always been my practice to present my happy face to the world outside.....how could I break away from that. So I went quiet, struggled with a sense of helplessness, and also clawed my way back to sanity!
When I first came to London....this big shiny city with its towering office buildings I wanted to jump back into my suspended career as a online digital specialist. I thought that the five year break I took will not matter when prospective companies saw my Google work experience. How naive was I!! Rejection mails started coming in, interviews left me shivering with fright......what a downer that was. My whole sense of self worth that was tied into my job title suffered a big blow. My thoughts were full of self loathing. I was so unemployable that companies did not even care for my work achievements to date. Was I such a non-entity? Is this the end of the road? My mind was churning with so many questions that I started down the dangerous road to depression. I lost interest in my children, the house, food and only focussed on the things I thought was wrong in my life.This is how barren and empty my life felt! The days looked dark and quiet......there was no purpose to live for. It appeared that God had stopped listening to me. He had just left me adrift on this sea of emptiness. I came so close to sliding down the abyss......I could actually feel the darkness coming close.
And then I looked upwards......at the blue skies and clouds. The chirping birds and new green leaves soothed the pain. I was so busy wallowing in my own dark thoughts that I missed out on the delights around me. The smiles and hugs of my kids. The blessing of living in a lovely apartment. The fact that we could afford to buy groceries for the house. Yes money was not as plentiful as before. And yes I could not get a job......but God had ensured we had a comfortable life. We didn't have a car anymore.....but I could afford the bus fares to go everywhere. Small blessings! It was not a quick walk back to the light.....but I am back in the present. I'm taking each life as it comes.....one day at a time. Doing the best I can.....with faith....in myself, my family and God.
